Life Through Death
by catgurl83
Summary: AU, future fic told from the point of view of an original character. Warning several character deaths are focused on through emotion.
1. Author's note

Author's notes: This story came to me while I was working on an assignment for my Death and Dying class. I was supposed to write my personal reflections on death and loss in my life. This story happened instead.  
  
This story is VERY angst ridden and deals with several deaths and all of the emotions that go along with death. It is told from the point of view of an original character.  
  
If you decide to read the story please let me know what you think as I've never written anything like this and I'm pretty sure no one else has either. 


	2. Life Through Death

Disclaimer: Characters that you recognize don't belong to me.  
  
Author: Catgurl83  
  
Title: Life through Death  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Spoilers: ITSOTG  
  
Feedback: Is always appreciated. My e-mail is catgurl83@yahoo.com  
  
Warning: This deals with death  
  
Thanks to Classic She for betaing this for me! You helped a lot!  
  
**********  
  
Sierra Seaborn  
  
Prof. Smith  
  
Death and Dying 1234  
  
April 12, 2022  
  
**********  
  
Death. Just a five letter word but with so much meaning. Death can have so many different meanings. We all look upon it differently.  
  
When I started this paper, I did not know where I was going with it or even how to begin. A deathography isn't something that one wants to write. Just the word brings up so many unwanted and distressing memories and fears.  
  
I put this off for as long as possible. Now, it is due at our next class meeting so I have to complete it.  
  
My first experience with death and loss wasn't even something that I remember. I've heard so much about it though, I could describe it as if I was there. I guess that most people probably can. Most people know of it through documentaries and history books. I know of it through family lore.  
  
I've heard it told by many different people and each of them explains it differently. Some explain it in a cool detached voice, as if they are trying to depersonalize it. Others can barely speak because their throat is too tight. Some can barely bring themselves to talk about it even now, while others seem to need to talk about it. They all remember it differently.  
  
After Rossyln, they were all very cautious. They realized that one moment could change everything. They realized that every moment was precious and that anything could happen at any time to ruin it. That is how my parents got together. They were already very close but the realization that death is always just around the corner made them realize their feelings for each other. That happened for several others couples within the White House as well.  
  
But then as time passed, they started to get lax again and they paid dearly for it.  
  
They were in California during the last year of the Bartlett administration. The President wanted to visit a famous church made of crystal.  
  
My mother laughingly tells of Josh Lyman's and Toby Zegler's reactions to the news that they'd be attending the church. She says that Josh's expression while he desperately tried to think of a way out was hilarious. But then her mirth always fades.  
  
Zoey Bartlett says that they were all leaving the cathedral after the service. She stopped for a moment to turn around to watch the sun play on the beautiful glass windows and walls that make up the cathedral. She didn't even have time to react to the gunshots before she heard glass shattering and felt her agents push her to the ground.  
  
My mother was walking between my father and Josh, laughing at something Josh had said. She says she'll never forget the look on his face as the first gunshot rang through the air. It was a combination of terror, dread, confusion, and desperation. A repeat of Rosslyn had been his worst nightmare for years and it was coming true.  
  
Screams mingled with the sound of glass shattering as the gunshots continued seemingly forever. All over the walkway and courtyard people fell to the ground. Some were pushed others willingly ducked down. Still others dropped as a bullet entered their body, their eyes widened in horror and pain.  
  
The secret service half-carried, half-dragged the President to his limo as he screamed for his wife and daughter.  
  
Zoey says that it seemed like hours before the shooting finally stopped. Her agents determined that she wasn't injured and helped her up. She barely got a glimpse of the area before her agents were hurrying her toward a limo but it was enough. Blood, glass, and injured people covered the ground.  
  
My mother was in shock as she was helped up from the ground. She could barely form a coherent thought. The one line that kept running through her mind was that she was so grateful that I was back at the hotel with my nanny. Since I was barely a year-old, I wouldn't understand even if I saw it on the news.  
  
Ambulance technicians were running toward her. Even through the haze engulfing her brain, she knew that something was wrong. Her eyes dropped to the ground near her and a name was torn through her lips.  
  
The cameramen there had recovered enough to start taping everything that was going on. My mother fell to the ground between my father and Josh. She says that there was so much blood that she couldn't even find the gunshots entry on either man.  
  
Some members of the group went back to the hotel, others to the hospital hoping to find out what was going on.  
  
Zoey was taken to her father at the hotel. President Bartlett was pacing a hole in the carpet when his youngest daughter found him. Some of the terror faded from his eyes as he took in the sight of his daughter and finally realized for himself that she was all right.  
  
But then Ron Butterfield entered the room. Abbey Bartlett had been shot, he told them. She was on her way to the hospital.  
  
The President sunk down into a chair as his world came crashing down on to him. He had no idea what to do or think. How he should behave. By Ron's expression he knew that it was bad. Very, very bad.  
  
At the hospital, my mother was taken to a private waiting room that was surrounded by secret service. Leo McGarry was already there. His suit jacket had been tossed aside. His white shirt was stained with the blood of his best friend's wife. He looked older than she had ever seen him.  
  
Leo's eyes met hers as she stepped into the room. "Josh?" He asked gruffly. She said that she'd never seen him like this and that terrified her. Leo was always so strong.  
  
"Surgery. Josh and Sam are both having surgery." She answered. Funny how even after so long they can all recall exactly what was said.  
  
Leo's only response was a nod as my mother sat beside him.  
  
"The President?" She asked, dreading the answer.  
  
"He wasn't injured. Abbey is in surgery."  
  
Her hand flew to her mouth in shock.  
  
"It isn't good." He answered her silent question.  
  
It was minutes before CJ Cregg ran into the room. She scanned the room's occupants before asking in a strangled voice. "Toby?"  
  
Both my mother and Leo shook their heads. Neither of them had heard anything about Toby.  
  
They all sat silently as they waited for news. Nearly a half-hour later President Bartlett showed up. With him were Zoey, Charlie, and Toby.  
  
CJ flew into her husband's arms, grateful that he was uninjured.  
  
It was hours before a doctor stepped into the room. By his expression they knew what he was coming to tell them, they just didn't know whom. When he approached the President, they all knew. Abbey Bartlett just hadn't been able to survive the two gunshot wounds that she'd suffered. One was to her chest and the other to her abdomen.  
  
Later that night, half way through his surgery, Josh's heart stopped. My mother grieved for her former boss even as she waited for news on my father's condition.  
  
It was days before my dad recovered enough to be told that his best friend and his former boss' wife were both gone. Ironically, his injuries were the same as the ones Josh suffered at Rossyln years before.  
  
The story was all that was on television for days. Everyone wanted to add their opinions on the shootings and it's famous victims. They showed the same photos of Grandma Abbey, Uncle Josh, and Dad over and over. They spoke about how Dad had stopped working for President Bartlett years before. How he was a senator from California.  
  
Dad insisted that Mom leave him long enough to go to both Josh and Abbey's funerals.  
  
I don't remember anything that happened that day or in the days following, yet it has affected so much of my life and so many of my beliefs.  
  
My parents sat me down and explained as much as I could understand when I was very young. They wanted to be the ones to tell me and not some unthinking teacher or classmate. As I got older, details were gradually added.  
  
It helped me to understand life better. I knew that everyone would eventually die. I also knew that death came when you least expect it. Because of that, I was more prepared for life than most children.  
  
I also realized by example that as much as death hurts you can't let it take control of you or your life. You can't let it keep you prisoner. Grandpa Jed showed me that so many times. Losing Abbey was so difficult for him. He enacted the 25th Amendment and went to his farm in Manchester for a month with his daughters. But after the month was over he returned to Washington and his Presidency because that is what he felt Abbey would have wanted.  
  
When I was six, Death again decided to enter our lives. Oddly, this time it didn't affect me nearly as much as the first even though I remember it.  
  
I woke up in the middle of the night to my mother's anguished screams. I heard running footsteps as my father went to her and then I hear his yell.  
  
Frightened, I climbed out of bed and tiptoed to the door. Inching the door opened, I peered down the hall. My parent's were on the floor by my baby brother's nursery with him on the floor between them. The phone was also lying on the floor where Dad had dropped it after calling 911.  
  
After the ambulance arrived, my father came to get me. He told me that my brother Justice had gotten sick and had to go to the hospital. My mother went with Justice while Dad took me to spend the rest of the night at Aunt CJ's house, since we were in DC.  
  
The next morning my parents came and told me that Justice had died. I know now that it was SIDS. Justice was buried in California next to my grandfather's grave.  
  
Two years later my father became Governor of California. Aunt CJ was a California Senator with Uncle Toby as her Chief of Staff. Grandpa Jed and Grandpa Leo were still living at the farm. Grandpa Jed's memoirs were published. Charlie had become a lawyer and Zoey was a cardiologist. They all decided that we should get together at the farm.  
  
We were all there when it happened. Grandpa Jed had just taken a bite of his dinner when it started. I was sitting next to Aunt CJ and Uncle Toby's four-year-old daughter Janna and neither of us understood what was happening. Grandpa Jed just started to look really funny and then he fell over into his food. The secret service rushed to him as did all of the adults in the family.  
  
After a moment, Uncle Toby noticed Janna and I. He took us both upstairs to the room that we were sharing. He got us busy playing with dolls and told us to stay there until he came for us.  
  
As soon as he left Janna started crying. She said that she was worried about Grandpa Jed. All of the adults had been very worried so it had to be bad. I told her that he'd be okay because he was really strong. I knew that I might not be correct but I didn't want Janna to be upset.  
  
We played for quite a while even though neither of us really wanted to. In fact, I think we more pretended to play than played. We were both so worried.  
  
Charlie came to get us. He held onto both of our hands as we walked down the stairs and I knew that Grandpa was gone. I hoped I was wrong but I knew that I wasn't.  
  
My parents, Aunt CJ, Uncle Toby, and Grandpa Leo were all sitting in the library. Zoey wasn't with them, which I noticed immediately. I found out years later that Zoey ran from the room after Grandpa Jed was pronounced dead. Mom and Aunt CJ went to her and she told them she wanted to be alone and she needed to call her sisters before the media found out.  
  
All of the adults were so pale. They were sitting so stiffly and I could see the pain etched into their features. Daddy told us both to sit down. Aunt CJ burst into tears as she told us that Grandpa Jed had left us. That is exactly what she said. "Grandpa Jed left us tonight."  
  
Janna got a really confused and scared look on her face. "Where did he go?" She asked in a tiny voice.  
  
Uncle Toby told her that he had died. Daddy added that it was a heart attack and was so quick that Grandpa Jed didn't feel any pain.  
  
I started to cry then, as did Janna. Daddy pulled me onto his lap and Uncle Toby picked Janna up. We stayed like that for a long time. I knew that Grandpa Jed was better off but that didn't make it hurt less. I don't know how much Janna understood because later that night, after we had been put to bed, she asked me when he was coming back. I told her he wasn't and that dead was forever. She said "oh."  
  
They decided that Janna and I could go to the funeral with them. My mother and Aunt CJ sat down with us the day before the funeral. They said it was to prepare us. I think of it more as warning us. No amount of warnings could have prepared me for that funeral though.  
  
Janna and I sat between my mother and her mother. My dad was next to Mom and Uncle Toby was next to Aunt CJ. Charlie was on Uncle Toby's other side. Zoey, Grandpa Leo, Ellie, Elizabeth and her family were in front of us.  
  
There were so many people there. So many that some of them, a lot of them, had to stay outside. They heard the funeral over speakers set up outside.  
  
There were cameras too. So many cameras. I looked up and saw cameras directed at us several times. Later, I saw pictures of myself at the funeral on the news.  
  
I wondered why everyone cared so much. I mean I understood that he was a remarkable man and that he had been President. I knew that president was a very important job. But I didn't understand at that point just how important. So, it surprised me that so many people were at the funeral. And it surprised me that it was on television and that it was all people talked about for days.  
  
And in some ways, I didn't think it was far. I understood that all of those people cared about him but I also understood that they couldn't possibly care about him as much as we did. His funeral was as much for the public as for the family.  
  
Gradually it started to hurt less and less. It was still painful but instead of a sharp pain, it was dull. If I did something I really enjoyed I could forget about Grandpa Jed for a little while.  
  
I guess that that is what it is usually like. For the first few days, it hurts so much that you are almost numb. Then you have a funeral and start to get on with the grieving process. For the next several weeks, it is always there no matter what you are doing. But then it starts to dissipate a bit. Eventually, it turns into an ache that you feel when you are reminded of the lost loved one but it isn't constant and it doesn't hinder your life.  
  
My life got back to normal.  
  
About a year later, Grandpa Leo showed up. He had been living at the farm. I knew my parents were surprised to see him. They had him stay with us. That night at dinner, he announced his reason for being here. He wanted my father to run for president.  
  
My mother just stared at Grandpa Leo. Dad quickly swallowed his wine before he could spit it out. Neither of them was expecting it. Grandpa Leo actually laughed. I think he was expecting their reaction.  
  
Several days later after talks with Mom, Aunt CJ, Uncle Toby, and myself Daddy said yes.  
  
During the campaign, we were all keeping very long hours and our eating habits left a lot to be desired. The stress got to all of us. I think that is why no one noticed Grandpa Leo. I wish we had of. Maybe we could have helped him. I know I'm being unrealistic but I can't help but wonder.  
  
Daddy won the Demacratic nomination and Aunt CJ joined the campaign as his vice president. It was Grandpa Leo's idea and he was the one who talked Aunt CJ into it. He said it was time for a female vice president.  
  
Dad and Aunt CJ won. Everyone was ecstatic. We were all up all night celebrating. After the more public celebrations, we all retired to our suit for privacy. It was then that I saw Grandpa Leo slip into a small alcove and swallow a handful of pills.  
  
It worried me but I was so young that I didn't know what to do. I wish that I had told someone but I didn't. I thought about it but I knew that he didn't want anyone to know. I felt it would be wrong to tell if Grandpa Leo wanted to keep whatever it was a secret.  
  
Dad asked Grandpa Leo to be his Chief of Staff that night and Grandpa Leo declined. That should have been another clue that something was wrong but it wasn't. They all seemed to buy that Grandpa Leo wanted to stay retired. That the campaign had been very tiring for him at his age.  
  
My dad hired Will Bailey as Communications Director. I had met Will several times and liked him. I didn't know his Chief of Staff or Deputy Communications Director. Charlie was Deputy Chief of Staff.  
  
My dad and Aunt CJ both wanted to hire Uncle Toby but knew that it probably wouldn't be a good idea.  
  
Grandpa Leo was at the Inauguration and seemed livelier than I had seen him in a long time. Even with all of those important adults around he spent a lot of time with Janna and I.  
  
Two days after the Inauguration, Mallory called my mother. When Mom got off the phone, she was crying. Daddy crossed the room and pulled Mom into his arms. He asked what was wrong and she told him that it was Grandpa Leo. He was very, very sick.  
  
Grandpa Leo had liver cancer. That was why he'd been acting so strangely. He had found out about the cancer right before he came to ask Dad to run for president. Apparently, that was his last goal in life. He wanted to make sure that everyone that he loved was happy and doing what they were meant to be doing.  
  
Three days later, Mom, Dad, and I went to New Hampshire. Aunt CJ, Uncle Toby, and Janna joined us there since Aunt CJ couldn't fly on the same plane as my father. Mallory was already there as were Zoey, Ellie, Elizabeth, and Charlie.  
  
Each of us got to talk to him privately for a few minutes. I just told him how much I loved him and that I'd miss him. He was so frail and could barely speak but he whispered that he loved me too.  
  
After everyone had seen him, we all went back to his room and waited. We all knew that it would be soon, even Janna and I.  
  
We were all there when he took his last breath. I felt the tears slipping down my face and I was so sad but at the same time I was relieved because I could tell that he was in a lot of pain. I didn't want to see him suffer.  
  
His death was different from Grandpa Jed's and Justices' because we were all relieved. I never would have thought that I'd be relieved when a loved one died.  
  
I guess that that is another thing that I've learned about death. Every death has it's own personality. They all happen in their own way and time. The reactions of the deceased person's loved ones depends on the personality of the death.  
  
We were all fortunate enough that death stayed away for years. But it was hanging out on the fringes of our lives and we knew it. We've all come to realize that we have to live life to the fullest. If something is really important do it now, don't wait because you might not get a chance later.  
  
Just a few months ago my boy friend was in a car accident. It was so sudden and unexpected. He was with me that evening. We kissed and he left. I had no idea that that was the last time that I'd ever see him. Now I am so grateful that I told him that I loved him. How would I have felt if I hadn't? I don't even want to imagine those feelings and emotions.  
  
That is what Death does for me. It keeps me going. It makes me reach for my goals now. It keeps me from allowing anger to keep me from making sure that my loved ones know how much I care for them. I don't want my last words with them to be negative.  
  
I took this class expecting to be depressed and possibly disgusted. Those feelings intensified when I heard about this assignment. I ended up thinking about death more than I ever have. I feel that I understand it now. And through understanding Death, I understand life.  
  
Sierra Seaborn 


End file.
